Remembering what once was (again)

I remember already writing an I remember post earlier in the semester but I changed it a little this time so here we go again


I remember the first time I tried coffee.
I remember how I hated the taste of it.
Now I drink it every day. Ironic?

I remember the songs we listened to in the car on our first date.
I remember when you held my had for the first time and the first time you made me truly smile.
I remember the gifts you brought me when I was having a bad day. I still have them and I hate that.
I remember staying up till 2 or 3 in the morning listening to your soothing voice talk to me through the phone about anything and everything.
I remember the day I fucked it all up. And how I regret the choice I made still to this day.
I remember you vividly.

I remember the girl I used to be, even more shy than I am now.
I remember feeling so alone, like nobody could ever get in and help me out.

I remember it was around 4am, Saturday December 23rd, 2006 when we arrived.
I remember it felt like we were in the middle of nowhere.
I remember the long drive to that strange new place I'd soon call home.
I remember not having any food there yet, so breakfast that morning was Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a gallon of OJ to share.
I remember how much I missed Arizona and its snowless winters.
I remember my friends I left behind.
I remember starting over.

I remember the day I stopped believing in Santa Clause.
I remember it wasn't my parents who told me but my best friend.
I remember how devastated I was.
I remember addressing my Christmas list to mom instead of Santa that year.
I remember that year as the year Christmas lost it's magic.

I remember when I used to run to my dad when he got home from work trips and give him a big hug.
I remember how happy I was when he would be home for a whole day.
Not anymore.
Now I remember him getting home once I've already fallen asleep.
and I remember waking up to find him already gone.
He travels by the moon and never stays in one state for more than a couple days at a time.
And I remember I live in fear of the moon.

I remember when school was counting to ten, taking long naps, yummy snacks, and recess.
I remember my first grade teachers last name.
I remember all the grown ups telling me I could be anything when I grew up.
I remember wanting to be a doctor. That dream died quick.

I remember wondering why I was getting a text late at night from someone on student council who I didn't know anymore.
I remember when Rhonda came on the announcements the next morning saying something terrible has happened and our teachers have something to read explaining it.
I remember how they all said they missed him even though they didn't really know him.
I remember thinking he was one of the happy kids who never had those thoughts,
although I didn't really know him either.
I remember the beautiful dresses and neat suits everyone wore.
I remember that awful day.
I remember I wished I hadn't come to school that day.

I remember waking up and falling asleep.
and I remember everything in between.

I remember braces, sadly.
I remember how smooth, yet slimy they felt when I got them off.
I remember the first time I went to get them tightened; I got power chains.
I remember how much I hated getting power chains.
At lest now I have straight teeth,
as long as I wear my retainer at night.

I remember the first movie I cried in.
I remember where all the scars on my body are from.
I remember stapling my finger.
I remember the day I decided to be vegetarian and why.
I remember my first phone, the sliding kind.
I remember piercing my own ears.
I remember crying the night before the first day of high school.
I remember the awful feeling I had inside when taking my first pregnancy test.
I remember when Greggory Parr asked me out in the 9th grade right before we got stoned.
I remember the awful hair cut I gave myself when I was 5.
I remember the trees that smelt like froot loops in Arizona.
I remember waking up next to him new years day.
I remember when people started caring what others thought of them.
I remember playing volleyball, soccer, softball, tennis, gymnastics and giving it all up for art.
I remember..
I remember...
I remember....
I remember.....

I remember when my sister used to tell me I suck and that she hates me on a daily basis.
I remember crying softly to myself every night hoping mommy wouldn't hear so when I told her I was alright the next day she'd believe me regardless of my puffy eyes.
But I remember when she was one one who cried from almost losing her little girl.

I may not seem like I'm always listening, but I will remember.