Remembering what once was (again)

I remember already writing an I remember post earlier in the semester but I changed it a little this time so here we go again


I remember the first time I tried coffee.
I remember how I hated the taste of it.
Now I drink it every day. Ironic?

I remember the songs we listened to in the car on our first date.
I remember when you held my had for the first time and the first time you made me truly smile.
I remember the gifts you brought me when I was having a bad day. I still have them and I hate that.
I remember staying up till 2 or 3 in the morning listening to your soothing voice talk to me through the phone about anything and everything.
I remember the day I fucked it all up. And how I regret the choice I made still to this day.
I remember you vividly.

I remember the girl I used to be, even more shy than I am now.
I remember feeling so alone, like nobody could ever get in and help me out.

I remember it was around 4am, Saturday December 23rd, 2006 when we arrived.
I remember it felt like we were in the middle of nowhere.
I remember the long drive to that strange new place I'd soon call home.
I remember not having any food there yet, so breakfast that morning was Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a gallon of OJ to share.
I remember how much I missed Arizona and its snowless winters.
I remember my friends I left behind.
I remember starting over.

I remember the day I stopped believing in Santa Clause.
I remember it wasn't my parents who told me but my best friend.
I remember how devastated I was.
I remember addressing my Christmas list to mom instead of Santa that year.
I remember that year as the year Christmas lost it's magic.

I remember when I used to run to my dad when he got home from work trips and give him a big hug.
I remember how happy I was when he would be home for a whole day.
Not anymore.
Now I remember him getting home once I've already fallen asleep.
and I remember waking up to find him already gone.
He travels by the moon and never stays in one state for more than a couple days at a time.
And I remember I live in fear of the moon.

I remember when school was counting to ten, taking long naps, yummy snacks, and recess.
I remember my first grade teachers last name.
I remember all the grown ups telling me I could be anything when I grew up.
I remember wanting to be a doctor. That dream died quick.

I remember wondering why I was getting a text late at night from someone on student council who I didn't know anymore.
I remember when Rhonda came on the announcements the next morning saying something terrible has happened and our teachers have something to read explaining it.
I remember how they all said they missed him even though they didn't really know him.
I remember thinking he was one of the happy kids who never had those thoughts,
although I didn't really know him either.
I remember the beautiful dresses and neat suits everyone wore.
I remember that awful day.
I remember I wished I hadn't come to school that day.

I remember waking up and falling asleep.
and I remember everything in between.

I remember braces, sadly.
I remember how smooth, yet slimy they felt when I got them off.
I remember the first time I went to get them tightened; I got power chains.
I remember how much I hated getting power chains.
At lest now I have straight teeth,
as long as I wear my retainer at night.

I remember the first movie I cried in.
I remember where all the scars on my body are from.
I remember stapling my finger.
I remember the day I decided to be vegetarian and why.
I remember my first phone, the sliding kind.
I remember piercing my own ears.
I remember crying the night before the first day of high school.
I remember the awful feeling I had inside when taking my first pregnancy test.
I remember when Greggory Parr asked me out in the 9th grade right before we got stoned.
I remember the awful hair cut I gave myself when I was 5.
I remember the trees that smelt like froot loops in Arizona.
I remember waking up next to him new years day.
I remember when people started caring what others thought of them.
I remember playing volleyball, soccer, softball, tennis, gymnastics and giving it all up for art.
I remember..
I remember...
I remember....
I remember.....

I remember when my sister used to tell me I suck and that she hates me on a daily basis.
I remember crying softly to myself every night hoping mommy wouldn't hear so when I told her I was alright the next day she'd believe me regardless of my puffy eyes.
But I remember when she was one one who cried from almost losing her little girl.

I may not seem like I'm always listening, but I will remember.

This one is for you

I took all of Last of The Mohicans blog posts and took parts of them to create this. I know the assignment was just to pick one but I couldn't so I picked them all. Sorry if this isn't good enough or long enough I ran out of time. 

I found a letter on the floor. It wasn't for me but I read it anyway

And it said

"Remember. Remember that you need a break every now 

and then to figure things out and just stare at the flame face to face"

I need to figure out who I really am because the past 18 

years of my hard earned true grit life 

My mom has told me I can be whoever I want to be 

but the police call it identity theft

But Nelson is saying its thinking creatively 

And why is that?

Sorry this post doesn't do your blog any justice. There's just so much I can say but so little I'm willing to let myself say. I wish we would have all just revealed at the beginning like you because your blog got more real after that. I loved how your posts would always be different. You are very divergent Grant.


P.s. I love how you aren't scared to get up in front of the class and say whatever's on your mind.
I wish I was more like you in that way

P.p.s. You are not Luke. And that is not a bad thing. 

The words in between

Released in death

The creation of the problem was not filed with the police as of Tuesday.

Every choice includes thousands of views that allow bones to sin.

Come and suffer problems to change choices and save solutions.

Police departments seeks new out.

A black fire created a new body.

The makers put the medication on medications to be treated.

Death surfaced.

Everyone is saying it emerged for time.

3Killed: The man of killing unleashed the rampage of murder.

Many who stand with force need tougher pressure.

Secrets take action.

All 17-year olds have transparent days.

His trust had eroded.

Secrets Unravled

Everyone is so worried about revealing pen names and all the secrets that come with including me because I won't want to post on here anymore and none of it will be the same, all of our secrets will no longer be secrets they'll just be more words on our blog or hidden away in our journals for only Nelson to see. If only we could have hidden behind them in class too maybe I would have shared more. I guess it's time to start telling the truth but I don't think anyone really cares if Clarissa McCall does and I don't exactly know how to start this or what I am going to say but here goes nothing.

I am known as the quiet awkward girl who's name you don't even know with or without the pen names,
I am a native Texan, I think cold is better than hot, I usually have too much caffeine in me for one body, I am one of  8 in my family, I pierced my own ears cause my mom told me no, I procrastinate everything including this, I live in fear of the man in the moon, I'm a half assed artist, I moved here December 23 2006, I've buried my heart, I hate when people touch my elbows, I'm more worried about my future than I am about boys, clothes, or social media, I'm Aquarius, rejection is my biggest fear, I have dark hair pale skin and blue eyes, I don't have a favorite anything, I am the girl that Nelson made share at the last journal jam, I'm vegetarian and hate when people give me crap about it, I've played many sports but quit them all when I moved here, and I hide behind a 2"x5" screen. 

I've told you all of this and still none of you know who I am. 
I'll see you all on Monday and maybe some of you will have read this and maybe not.
But everyone will have been revealed
 and class will be different 

I didn't plan to be another sad blogger it all just kinda happened
I thought a new name meant a new me
but
I guess whether I'm me or Clarissa McCall I think the same

I have many different names
Past friends have called me chibs and wheelz

Teachers call me Carsens little sister

Spell check calls me a spelling error
Anyone reading my name calls me the wrong thing
In ninth grade I was called best eyes 
Instagram use to call me stupidpeasantchildren but I grew out of that and now its just kalicdavis

The beans and brews crew call me the carmel cielo and dirty chi

I want to be called a tattoo artist some day

When I was little my family called me calliebear
Last year he called me his girl
and I call myself Kali

 But despite all that I've been called, my birth certificate reads
 Callen Clarissa Davis

 but I am still Clarissa McCall.

Songs my mom doesn't want me listening to

Pretty much everything and anything on my phone. It's almost impossible to ride in the car with you mom.



This topic is one of my least favorite. It is too broad and yet I have nothing to say about it. I'm sorry to anyone who wasted their time.

I Am A Lost Boy

I am a lost boy at heart. Lost in Neverland and I never want to come back. My heart has plans for me here in this place I now call home. It tells me about its love for pixy dust and the unimaginble. Although all my heart really wants is to find its Wendy Darling, someone to call my own. But we all know the story and I am no Peter Pan.

-Forever a lost boy 

Expose

Do not fully expose yourself. But don't keep yourself hidden from the beautiful adventures life has in store for you. Expose others for who they really are not all this fake shit we are all hiding behind and see them clearly just like you did ten years ago when we were all the real us. We need to break out of theese shells we came with and allow ourselves to be subjected to changed and forget about the pain that may or may not come with. Just thinking of the deconstrucion of our world worrys me and I worry that I have not yet finished anything, I worry that I have worn out the phrase "I'm sorry" till it no longer has a meaning when it comes to apologies. Expose yourself along with all your worries and fix them because soon you might be out of time or too late. Maybe it's already too late but don't let that possiblity keep you from anything because maybe it's not.